How to Know When a Veteran in Your Family Needs Support
3-minute read
How to Know When a Veteran in Your Family Needs Support
3-minute read
Often, no one is closer to a Veteran, or knows more about what their personalities and behaviors were like before their military service, than members of their family. That’s why a parent, spouse, sibling, or other family member is often the first to sense that something has changed and that the Veteran in their life needs help.
As a family member, what signs do you look for? And then what do you do?
Spotting the signs
Look for shifts in the Veteran’s attitudes or moods. Pay attention to changes in their behaviors or reactions. Listen to what they’re saying—or, sometimes, what they’re not saying.
“I remember at one point thinking, ‘He never really talks about his experience there.’ And that was sort of a red flag,” recalls Jenny, whose brother, David, served in combat as part of U.S. Army Special Forces during the Vietnam War. Jenny also noticed that David wasn’t taking care of himself financially—at times not even trying to find a job. There was a disconnect between who she knew he could be and who he really was at the time, she says. Her conversations with him would become the key to getting him to seek help.
For Ted, who served 36 years in the Marine Corps Reserve, it was his wife who noticed changes after his combat tour in Iraq—like how he became more reclusive and introverted and avoided things he used to enjoy. One day, when she saw how he overreacted to someone bumping into him, she told him he needed to get help to preserve their relationship.
Jon’s mother, a psychologist, sensed his troubles when he came home for the holidays shortly before the end of his service in the U.S. Army. Her tip-off was how much alcohol he drank at Christmas dinner. She didn’t know at that time how much Jon had been impacted by his deployment in Afghanistan. But, as Jon recounts their conversation, she noticed enough to declare, “When you get out of the military, we’re gonna find you a really good therapist.”
Vernon’s wife, Sheri, saw that the U.S. Army Veteran was isolating himself, distancing himself from family, and neglecting to take care of his personal hygiene and the personal space around him. “I didn't know whether to give him a hug or whether to leave him alone, but I kept him encouraged,” Sheri says. “I let him know that we loved him and that there was help available for him.”
Here are some signs to look for in addition to those experienced by David, Ted, Jon, and Vernon:
- Physical symptoms, like headaches or stomach problems, without an identifiable cause
- Difficulty managing emotions, like anger, aggression, or irritability
- Difficulty focusing on tasks, making decisions, or remembering things
- Rapid shifts in mood, excessive worry, or persistent sadness
- Difficulty falling or staying asleep, having nightmares, or oversleeping
- Inability to stop drinking or using drugs
Explore other signs and symptoms as described on MakeTheConnection.net. Be aware that the signs are different for every individual, and keep in mind that if you sense something is amiss, there’s a good chance you’re right.
Taking the next step
If you’re concerned about a Veteran in your life, one of the most important first steps is to take the lead in starting a conversation. Prepare yourself ahead of time by learning how to make the conversations supportive and helpful.
Remember that progress takes time, as it did with siblings Jenny and David.
“Reaching out [for mental health care] was, was difficult, if not nearly impossible for several years,” David says. “What motivated me mostly was Jenny and our conversations, and I did eventually seek out some counseling. But it was intermittent, you know. It was like, ‘Well, I'll put my, put my toe in the water. I'll try this. Well, it's not quite right.’ So, I’d pull it back out.”
Jenny didn’t let the start-and-stop nature of his care discourage her. “Finding the right professional help is, is what, I think, deters most people. Just know that your first or second attempt might not be the right one. And it’s OK,” she says.
Adds David, “If you’re a family member, I’d say be persistent, be gentle, and just let that Veteran, that service member, know that you’re loved and things will get better. They do.”
