“I wasn't ready.” Army Veteran Discusses PTSD and Being Open to Healing
Immediately after I got out of the service, I was combative, always looking for conflict. Any kind of time that there was joy, or any positive feelings, I find myself just being completely numb.
I served in the Army as an 11 Bravo, from 2001 to 2005. 11 Bravo is an Infantryman. They're the grunts of the Army. My specific was a Light Infantry Airborne unit, which meant that we specialized in jumping out of airplanes. Deciding to join the actual Ranger Battalion was partly due to my brother. He was already serving for two years, and he kind of guided me. Our unit was involved with the capture of Saddam, so when we accomplished that mission, it was a pretty elating moment for all of us. Coming back from the military, There wasn't a roadmap to how to transition back into civilian life. Learning how your behavior is not necessary in a normal society. For almost ten years, I... I didn't realize that I didn't need to do that. That self-discovery was, was pretty huge. I experienced lots of barriers and blocks along the way of seeking mental health. I myself didn't want to heal. I wasn't ready. Many counselors have told me that it's it gets worse before it gets better. You're not going to be able to heal from a particular issue unless you address it.
The person that encouraged me to get mental health treatment was my brother. He kind of said, “Hey, why don't you go to the Vet center, and they'll help you get the VA process started.” My first experience with treatment was sitting down with my counselor, and him educating me with, what PTSD was. It wasn't him convincing me. It was me just kind of realizing, ‘Oh, that's what PTSD is.’ I just felt like I was a kind of angry and grumpy guy, but it was a cause of PTSD. The tools I learned in group and individual therapy, a lot of it is grounding techniques. My body and my emotions are heightened in a certain point, and I feel I don't understand why that is. But then you identify the triggers, you identify why this is happening, and then you can kind of train yourself to ground yourself back to a normal state.
My mental health treatment, I think, really has positively affected my relationship with my wife and my daughter. Having them involved with, you know, the healing process is huge. My brother specifically helping me with my mental health journey, I feel both of us are now, you know, at a point where we're open enough to kind of discuss with each other and support each other. The main thing that inspired us to start our own Taekwondo studio was, my brother and I had just discussed our dream to kind of create something for ourselves, and then we made that happen. You hear people say, “Oh, I did, you know, karate or taekwondo for a couple of years." We're just the ones that never stopped doing it, and continue doing it into our adulthood. Being active, for me, it's an outlet, and it's a healthy outlet. You know, in my past I think I found outlets that weren't as healthy to kind of release all that anxiety, all the stress that I have. Every day I get to be in front of kids and help them in their journey to become better Taekwondo athletes, better people, build their moral character.
I really encourage other Service Members to seek treatment mainly because the symptoms of PTSD is not something that you can identify. It's not like a broken arm. Why not get checked out? When I go and get into the system and see what they can provide? I feel like Vets need information. They want to know what the next step is. And that's kind of just how we're wired. You need intel. There is no way any Service Member completed a mission by themselves. There was always support. Unless you're Rambo thinking you can do everything by yourself, there is no way that you're going to be able to handle mental health on your own. It's not a negative thing to try to seek treatment to, to better yourself, to make yourself a better person. Go in. Someone's going to be there helping you out.
