After Challenges With Gambling and Substance Use, Veteran Finds Tools To Recover
There was a young man, his wife, and his young son, and his young son was carrying a toy gun, and he turned around and pointed that toy gun and I freaked out. And that was really the incident that triggered in me, you know, something's there.
My name is Paul. I was in the United States Navy 1969 to 1978. I was on the United States Brooke, guided missile frigate, FFG-1.
My drinking started in high school. The Navy kind of encourages drinking. Spent many nights out drinking all night and staggering back in and figured out cocaine would allow me to drink a lot more than what I was drinking rather than passing out. I was coming home drunk a lot. I convinced my first wife to say, "Look, let's get out of the Navy. Let's get up to Ventura." We were fighting a lot. A year later, we were divorced, because of the amount of drinking and drugging that I was doing. Anytime the pressure got on, rather than face the pressure, boom, I was out of there. That was my MO, just escape.
I was out hustling golf, gambling on horses, bouncing checks anywhere that I could. I had one buddy left who lived out in Riverside and he was gonna cash a check for me not knowing that it was a bad check. It was pouring down rain and every intersection that I went into was flooded. And every time I tried to go into an intersection to his house, lightning and thunder, and I had nowhere else to go. So I called mom and I said, "Mom, I think I got a problem." She says, "Son, you're a Veteran. Why don't you call the VA?"
I went in, met with the counselor, said, "Go in with the group meeting, tell your story." So I told my story. The counselor comes out and says, "Paul, give me your VA card. We're checking you in." And I sat there for a minute and I hesitated. And I think the hardest thing I've ever had to do, the hardest thing I ever had to do was reach into my wallet and pull that card out.
My early experience in recovery was really about learning. Every tool that I've had available to me, I have soaked up and utilized. I'm engaged to the most wonderful woman I've met in my life. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. I was an asshole trying to take whatever I could from anybody I could. And what treatment and recovery and therapy has done is I don't hold resentments. I've learned how to speak up. I don't try to get even. Everything is just about serving rather than taking. I guess that's the biggest distinction in what my recovery has done for me.
I spent 30 days in the first outpatient program and advanced to the next one. Got involved in Celebrate Recovery with Saddleback Church. I went through their leadership program. I'm always learning about myself. Started to play golf seriously my last three years in the Navy. There's a recovery golf program. I play golf with my sponsor once a week. I have made so many friends. The thing about golf is is that we feel every single aspect. There's success, there's failure, there's frustration, there's anger. I mean, I put everything I have into it. That's what golf has meant to me.
I remember my last days struggling, figuring out where to go next. I did not wanna put on that mask again. Find somebody that you know that's in recovery. And I know the hardest thing to do is to admit, "Yeah, I got a problem." When people start hearing it and hearing stories and can relate to those stories, boy, yeah, oh God, I relate to that, but talk to somebody.
